The (Kinda) Short Version

As I sit here with my breakfast (lunch) of tea and crumpets, yes, tea and crumpets, I've decided to provide a quick update of my goings-on over the last week by sharing a few conclusions I've come to accept.

Conclusion #1: People here smoke.
A lot. A LOT. A LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. I have decided that my being here for a year will shorten my life by at least five years. I can't decide if my (now) perpetual cough is a result of the weather or my second-hand smoking a pack a day.

Conclusion #2: British food sucks.
People always talk about how Americans are fat, obese, gargantuan, fast-food eating bastards but everything here is fried! The only food that is remotely healthy is the foreign food. The only meals I've had that were anything resembling healthy were at Chinese restaurants. Unfortunately, the good stuff like a traditional English breakfast (REAL bacon, eggs, to-MAH-toes, mushrooms, beans, toast, sausage and occasionally black pudding) gets lumped in with the fish and chips (while fish and chips is good, it's just not healthy, kids!). Of course, English breakfast isn't particularly healthy either, but it's just soooo dammmnnn gooooddd.


Conclusion #3: People here are alcoholics. Or maybe I'm a wet blanket.
Walking the streets of Beeston at 11am on a Tuesday you can see people in the pubs drinking. I saw a man down three pints during lunch the other day. Every residence hall on campus has it's own bar. They sell alcohol at the university shop. I attended a meet-and-greet with my professors, co-grad students and the head of the history department-- at a bar, with an open tab. Do I need to continue, or is that enough? Sure, there are probably decent explanations for all of these. Maybe the fella drinking at the pub mid-day in the middle of the week got fired, divorced, had his house repossessed, his cat squished by a lorrey and Notts Forest lost AGAIN, so drinking was the only option. Maybe not. Maybe capitalism is to blame for a uni shop peddling booze, as the drinking age here is 18, and pretty much all uni students are 18. But does that make it right? Who cares? All I know is that people here can down their pints (and their bottles of wine, via the ever-effective wine chug) like nobody's business. Cheers, mate!


Conclusion #4: There are two people in England-- nice people and assholes.
Any time you walk up to a person on the street and ask for directions, perhaps where the local alehouse or market is, you are faced with a 50/50 chance of either a pleasant encounter or nearly getting you head chomped off (by their notoriously well-manicured teeth). If I'm honest, this number is more like 60/40 or 70/30 with the cheery old Brits taking the heavier side, but those occasions where the a-holes show up make it seem that much greater. I believe part of the reason for this condition is that the weather is kind of depressing here, and only certain people can handle being around blah weather all the time-- regardless of whether or not you were born here. So basically, half (or 40 or 30%) of the British population, according to my data, cannot stand blah weather, while the other half (or 60 or 70%) can. It's science!


Conclusion #5: Most people here hate Americans-- but they also hate anyone who doesn't like England.
Since my arrival I have been a punching bag for all things American. The Iraq War? Didn't you hear, it was my fault, AND I authorized every single troop surge. George Bush getting 'elected' twice? Pshh I voted 4,000 times. The Revolutionary War? I raised the taxes AND convinced George Washington to go kick some ass (played both sides for chumps). Well, to be fair no one cares about the Revolutionary War anymore-- they really just give me crap for anything and everything about George Bush. After about forty attempts (with the same people, mind you) to explain that I did not vote for him and do not agree with the conservative party line over the past eight years, I've just about given up hope. Thankfully, a friend of mine from Canada (whose dislike of things American wanes in and out depending on company) makes it all better by being brash and outspoken about how much better Canada is than the rest of the world. There I am at a table of five guys-- three Brits, one Canuck and an American, and my friend from the untamed north manages to embody a few of the common stereotypes of Americans while I sit back and enjoy the show. Mocking the Queen and the royal family, making fun of accents (while saying aboot and 'hey buddy' a lot) and generally just offending most (not all) things British. Naturally, the Brits didn't take a liking to this and made it known. I did my best to avoid entering the battleground for fear of yet another colonial war.

PS- Did you guys watch the debate last night? Wooo boy. You all should be impressed that I was up til 4am to catch the whole thing.